Does anyone ever have the problem of having too many dreams? Please, only real humans should respond to this. I am not looking for the super-humans who have 12 careers going concurrently without a hair our of place. Now that I have cleared that up, let’s get back to the issue at hand.
Lately, I have been thinking that I want to do more with my life. I signed up for classes that I think would benefit my career in the long run. I started working out. I am trying to eat healthier. I am also trying to get back into some of the things that I let slide like my writing, my food blogging, etc. But the thing is that I feel overwhelmed.
Yes, I know it probably because I am trying to make so many changes in so little time. I get that. There are some things that I am doing that actually make me feel better about my life. My burgeoning exercise routine has me feeling positive generally about life so I am glad I am making that change.
However, even positive changes take up time and commitment. I feel like I don’t have enough time in the day to do what I need/want to do. Today, I was supposed to finish some coursework on my classes but I remembered that I had some writing to attend to. Plus I wanted some relaxation time. By the time I was done, I have no time left for the class. And I feel like this ‘oops, I got something else’ is going to spiral out of control. Then I will be back to my chronic lack of follow through.
Alright, I getting the sense that I need to breathe before I become too overwhelmed. Does anyone have any suggestions for having too many dreams, too little time?
I decided that I wanted more for my life so I decided to do something about it. Learn something new. Pick up some new skills, stretch myself in ways that I am afraid to. I signed up for classes on Coursera. I actually reached into my pocket, paid the class fees and started learning. 4 hours of learning later or so, I feel like I have reached the most logical point to give up. Fuck all my aspirations, hopes and dreams. Forget about my life time. In this moment when I feel uncomfortable, I have reached the logical point to give up. I could spend my whole life complaining about why I don’t feel satisfied instead of pushing myself to do something new.
I told my sister I was starting classes online. She told me she was afraid for me. I have been diagnosed with chronical lack of follow through. I have no willpower. I hate being uncomfortable. I would rather do the same thing over and over again then be uncomfortable. Haven’t you heard? I ate the same plate of food from a restaurant for a week because I was afraid that I might hate everything else. Why ruin a mediocre life with adventures when I could be just okay? Just okay paying my bills, just okay intellectual simulation, just okay lifestyle. I could tell my mother every phone call that I am grateful for the just okay life. Alihamdulilahi for the just okay.
I think it is probably a sin to confuse complacency with gratitude. A very thin line it is but there comes a point when saying “I am grateful for what I have” becomes a sin because you are refusing to push yourself just further. I think I have reached the logical point to quit just okay. I am done. I am going to put on my big girl pants and get to work.
This is one of the hardest things I will probably do. This is probably the most rewarding thing I will probably do. I feel like at 29, I am ready to let go of my inhibitions and become more than just okay. I want to see in myself what my mother, father, sister, mentors and friends see in me. I want to be more than just okay.