And the fear
of being heard
but a murmur
to live consciously. That has been my goal in life for a long time. I remember being asked what my greatest goal in life is. to be happy. to be content. to not constantly be seeking. Sometimes I do a great job at that. I am content. I am filled with gratitude. But when does gratitude and contentment become sloppy? When you can’t be bothered to reach just a little higher because what you have seems like plenty. Sometimes I feel like I am lazy. I feel like I don’t work hard enough. How can everyone else be achieving and I am just okay having just enough? When I think about it closely though, I recognize the pattern. The fear of failure. If I don’t try I won’t fail. If I don’t reach out, I won’t be rejected. That is not contentment. It is fear. It is settling because I am afraid to hope for more. I miss the child I use to be. I miss being fearless. I miss believing that I could do anything. I miss the days before I started noticing that success does not look like me. I miss the times when I did not realize that there was more to making it than just constantly putting in hard work. In those days, I won’t have seen the obstacles. I would have seen the high of achieving something great. But I now I need to break the first barrier. I need to break that perception that I can’t. I can. I can. If I keep remembering I can, I will. I need to be the first person to believe in “I can.”
Every year since I can remember, I give myself a lists of things that I want to accomplish. Then, I do nothing. Last year, shortly after my 28th birthday, my sister turned 30 and had a grand trip in Europe. The frenzy of her big milestone, made me realize mine is in a couple of years. It made me realize that I could not let my twenties be a decade of amazing ideas that died due to lack of follow through. I decided to chase all those things that I have let go because they are impossible to achieve. I want my twenties to be about breaking new grounds in life. Exploring what it means to live a fulfilled life.
I am really good at giving other people advice but not so good about following them. I remember when one of my good friends wanted to move to Nigeria and it just seemed impossible. I remember one conversation we had where it seemed like everything she needed to do in order to be able to move was impossible. All she could see was roadblocks. I said to her on that day “for you I wish the impossible.”
For me, I wish the impossible. Impossible for me has been many things over my life. The overwhelming one has been the sense that I am not good enough, not worthy, not well equipped. I have always managed to find the reason why not. But I realize that reasons exist because I have created them out of fear. What if I saw my perceived obstacles and saw them as stepping stones. Like a ledge in a smooth wall that allows me to climb and reach higher.
This blog is going to be my journey #chasingimpossible!
*I had so much I wanted to do with this post since it is my first one. I wanted to add a picture or a great quote. But I have been sick and working full-time since Christmas. I did not want to start the new year with excuses so I am going to go ahead and publish this.