Sloppy Gratitude

And the fear

of being heard


until nothing

       but a murmur

        was heard

to live consciously. That has been my goal in life for a long time. I remember being asked what my greatest goal in life is. to be happy. to be content. to not constantly be seeking. Sometimes I do a great job at that. I am content. I am filled with gratitude. But when does gratitude and contentment become sloppy? When you can’t be bothered to reach just a little higher because what you have seems like plenty. Sometimes I feel like I am lazy. I feel like I don’t work hard enough. How can everyone else be achieving and I am just okay having just enough? When I think about it closely though, I recognize the pattern. The fear of failure. If I don’t try I won’t fail. If I don’t reach out, I won’t be rejected. That is not contentment. It is fear. It is settling because I am afraid to hope for more. I miss the child I use to be. I miss being fearless. I miss believing that I could do anything. I miss the days before I started noticing that success does not look like me. I miss the times when I did not realize that there was more to making it than just constantly putting in hard work. In those days, I won’t have seen the obstacles. I would have seen the high of achieving something great. But I now I need to break the first barrier. I need to break that perception that I can’t. I can. I can. If I keep remembering I can, I will. I need to be the first person to believe in “I can.”





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