It is the New Year…Resolutions abound. I’m going to work out. I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to find the perfect partner. I want to cook more. These are all things I have thought of during this transitional time and many others. Inevitably, I’m defeated by the might of my own goal. I find myself making excuses. Then, I give up.
This year, I am taking a different approach. I’m going to give up the quest for perfection and live today. I’m going to live my life where I am today. Everyday, I’ll do the things I want to do instead of waiting for the perfect tomorrow. For me, this has been a very important decision to make.
I find myself wallowing in self pity because I am not where I think I need to be in order to do things I want to do. I want to sew more but I don’t because I don’t have the skills I need. I want to have a more fashion forward style but I resist because I despise my current shape. I want to cook more but it makes me sad that I have no one to feed. I want to write more about health and fitness but I don’t because I don’t have enough knowledge I presume.
I have a reason why not for every dream. The reason not to is often grounded in the imperfection of who I am today. The realization I have had though is that perfection is a moving goal that is crafted out of doing. If I don’t do, I won’t move the needle any closer.
I have always lived my life waiting. The wait gets longer and I spend that time unhappy. I can’t do that anymore. If there is anything I have learned, it is that life is unpredictable and the moment to live is now. Not later, not 20 pounds lighter or a nursing degree in hand…now is better than then, no matter how imperfect it all seems.
This year, 2018, my commitment is to live my life in the interim. I pledge to make the clothes. I promise to dress daringly. I intend to speak on women’s health passionately. I solemnly swear to live each day as I am.
And halfway through the challenge, she decided that it was the best time to learn the half-moon. The half-moon is a standing split almost. It requires balancing on one leg and one hand while the other limbs hover in the air. It requires a lot of integrity and focus. It requires self-awareness. It requires confidence. In that moment, when I kept falling out of my posture, I was not sure I had what it took to maintain a half-moon for a full breathe. So I paused the video and went into the child pose.
The child pose has always been one of my favorite poses in yoga. It brings me back to earth. I have started using the child pose a place of meditation when I feel lost during my practice. When I feel like I can’t, I tell myself I can. I am beautiful. I am strong. I can do this. I chant this continuously for what seems like hours within a minute. Sometimes, I feel myself crying. I will myself not to give up on my dreams, not to give-up on my body, not to give up on my soul. In that moment while I go through this self affirmation, I rediscover my commitment to life, to living.
As I write this, I am half-way through a 30 day challenge that I am doing with a yogi callled Adriene on Youtube. (If you are interested in learning about her, click here). One of the things that Adriene says that connects with me is that showing up is often the hardest part of any practice. This has been so true for me in the past 15 days. I have been busy with work and life but I am constantly creating space because it is something I believe in. I believe that is important to create space for myself and meditate through movement. It is one of the reasons why I explore various options for exercising.
Self-affirmation is something that I use in my daily practice. It is what fuels my runs. It is what fuels me when I am lifting. It is what compels me to make the right choices. After going through my chant today half-way through the practice with Adriene, I was able to move and breathe into the half-moon pose. It was not easy but I connected back with my body and I was able to achieve the shapes. It is the victories in moments like this that make me realize that I can. I should. I will…keep chasing impossible.